Love Potion Number 529

Oscar Wilde once said, “The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.” I think many people today still agree with Wilde’s sentiment, specifically when it comes to relationship advice.

Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s simply the nature of being single, but I get more love advice than I could ask for. I try to take it in stride–and with a grain of salt. Where I used to get defensive about the constant onslaught of unsolicited advice, I now understand that most happily paired-off people are just trying to help their miserably single friends, whether they are miserable in their singleness or not. I imagine it’s similar to a kind stranger –the very nature of the situation desperately screams for help. A kind person would help return the puppy to the right home, not just leave it to wander down Route 1 lost and alone. Saving a puppy and returning it to the right home not only brings peace of mind to the person, it also gives them bragging rights at the dog park. It's something to be proud of. Solving someone’s chronic singleness provides similar bragging rights within circles of friends.

I love my friends. I love the insights they give me into myself. Truthfully, I don’t always love the advice they give me. You have to be in the right frame of mind to hear love advice. When you are in the depths of the denial stage of a recent break-up, it is not the right time to hear, “It’s better this happened now rather than later. It would have been so much worse if you had been married with kids.” Although that statement is logical and true, it can elicit a bonafide crazy response from someone who isn’t ready to hear it. In my case, I replied with something like, “You’re wrong. If we had gotten married, we would have never gotten divorced!” Really? It almost pains me to admit that I said that.

Sometimes, I want to laugh because my diverse and well-intentioned friends provide me with equally well-intentioned yet contradictory advice; there’s no way I could follow it all. I try to hear them out and make sure that I don’t reject their counsel in one breath and complain about being alone and eating cereal out of the box for dinner in the next. I keep all especially unique or entertaining tidbits people send me, though, just in case I want to tap into their wisdom later for my memoirs or I need a good laugh.

Recently, I’ve been given a few pearls that are too good to keep to myself, and with spring in the air, now is the perfect time to share them.

From a married friend after my first article was published:

“You are one of the smartest, coolest, and most emotionally intense people I’ve ever met. You would make a great "First Lady." Keep that head up and go to a bookstore ‘cuz that's where guys go to find girls.”

From a married friend, after I panicked and ran from a cutie I kissed at the Elm Bar because I didn’t want him to think I was too eager:

“You should only run if the guy is more into you than you are into the guy, otherwise you just got to let things happen. The chase is over-rated and guys just don't want to do it. You gotta’ be easy.”

From a soon-to-be married friend:

“You can’t be too available. You have to make men work for you, or they’ll just take you for granted. Be aloof and let them chase you. Playing hard to get works because men love a conquest.”

From a single girlfriend after a particularly barmy blog post I wrote about looking for a guy with Angst.

“They [Men] are the moths; you are the flame. LET THEM COME TO YOU!”

From a married friend after my second article about looking for love in church was published:

“I still think you're trying too hard. Might I suggest getting a man's perspective on dating?”

From an old friend with about two consecutive years of successful relationship experience currently under his belt:

“If you seriously want to take your love life into your own hands, than you actually have to get out there and try different avenues.  I met my girlfriend on jdate.com, nothing serendipitous about it. We don't live in the 1960s anymore.  Anybody who says, 'Oh, it'll happen when you're least ready for it,' is an idiot. If you are living your life just hoping that one day some guy might take you away and make you his wife, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.  Try a 'hashing' club; try Internet dating; try introducing yourself to strangers, etc. You’re a good catch and unless you have 30 cats you'll figure all this out.”

And, of course, my favorite advice so far, from my matchmaker friend (there’s one in every group, right?):

“I have someone for you. Just show up Friday and play it cool.”

From all this advice, stumbling into a healthy and happy relationship seems so easy! I simply need to: Go to a bookstore and advertise that I’m an easy target, but play hard to get and not try too hard–let them come to me, but try just a little harder putting myself out there, and, above all, play it cool. No sweat.

The way I see it, no one has all the answers and there is no universal love potion recipe. Love is all trial and error, so I might as well enjoy testing out some different methods until I get it to work for me too.